Seriously now.

I think the amount of variety in the world has diminished our spontaneity. How on earth can we decide what we want when we have so many choices? And it's not like they're important choices like should I eat chicken or beef in my black bean stir fry, they're pathetic choices. Choices that you'd make that no matter what option you chose, it wouldn't make a difference.

I constantly get stuck serving absolute knobs at work who can't choose the simplest of things. Take Havaianna thongs for example, whether you choose the black or brown it doesn't really matter, but no feel free to take 25 minutes of my life away from me while you make this mundane decision. God I'd hate to see these people caught up in an actual problem, you know, one that actual has a result that would effect something other than there god damn feet!

Bad maths

According to every chick flick or show the math is simple. Travel to some country with an absolute douchebag and you will have some troubles that you will overcome and bam there's Mr. Right. A fine example is Sex & the City, a bad example is Leap Year. The main problem with this is that you have to deal with a lot of douchebags to get to Mr. Right.

I recentely travelled while having a douchebag at home and the best I got was an odd Peruvian man stroking my face in the Amazon jungle. I do believe we are now wed, you may send the gifts to my new address, 5th tree on the left after a 2 hour boat ride down the Amazon river.

Another charming male approached me while in Miami. Complimented me as I walked past. "DAAAAMN girl! MMMM you fine!", but wait, it doesn't stop there. "I'm gonna buy you a drink and put something in it so you pass out and I got ya'll to myself." This romantic story is currently in the process of being adapted into a film. Kate Hudson will be playing me.

Possibly the biggest issue I have with this guy is not that he thinks I must be dumb enough to accept the drink that he told me he's drugged, but the fact he was trying to drug me, no that's clearly a normal thing in Miami. At least with this outstanding citizen. Did I mention intense French guy? The list goes on.

The only obvious answer to this solution is to pull weird faces when freaks talk to you and pretend that's just how your face looks, and simply pray Mr. Right isn't around to see it.

Cover your mouth when you cough

It horrors me how many people are feral. It's not that hard of a task to cover your mouth when you cough your nasties up. I don't want to die from your lazy lack of personal hygene like in Contagion. YOU WILL NOT BE THE GWYNETH PALTROW IN THIS STORY! *shuffles off to find hand sanitiser and a face mask*

But it's not only that, it's your kids too. I was never allowed to touch things in stores, or run around crazy off a MacDonald's sugar high... or eat MacDonald's for that matter. So when you let your child run loose in a clothing store and watch them pull the mannequins pants down, we don't find that amusing or cute like you do. We find it god damn annoying. Everyone who works in that shop will be thinking "Ooh what a bad parent, can't even control their child" or "I wonder what I'll have for lunch", because it's not always about you. If you refuse to control your children I think the only just thing to do is to strap both you and your child to one of those awful backpack leash contraptions and to be walked around by the city council.

It's the only way you'll ever learn.

Lemon Detox Diet

It's just fancy copywriting for diarrhetic. You have to hand it to the brand though for making such a well known celebrity as your ambassador, people from the 90's off obscure (yet slightly awesome) contest shows can always sell me products.. not.
"Hello I'm that girl from Who Dares Wins, but you might recognise me from the sex scandal with the army. Drink this 24hr diarrhetic I think it's swell, and look I'm wearing yellow.. lemons are yellow.."

I love the "testimonials" most of all.
Testimonial 1. Overly muscular guy in before photo.. still overly muscular after his detox. The result? "I had a lot of energy! And I look great!" Verdict? YOU DON'T LOOK DIFFERENT!
Testimonial 2. Miss Australia contestant. "I was able to lose those extra kilos for the pageant and I felt great!" Verdict? YOU DIDN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO WINNING THIS PRODUCT DID NOTHING FOR YOU!

Real Insurance

Ok so having life insurance is practical but I can't stand the stupid real insurance ads. They're full of ridiculous segways!

Ad number 1: Man moving house with his wife, other man comes over "Hey bill, need a hand with moving?" "No we've got it under control" "It's amazing the things you accumulate over the years" "Yes it is, it has made us think about dying so we now want life insurance" "Boy golly I never thought about life like that, actually the other day I was on the toilet and I thought to myself 'hey I should get life insurance'".
Ok so at least the front part of the ad is true.. the rest is how the ad goes in my mind because they anger me so much! And they make you feel ridiculously guilty for dying, "I'd sure hate to see my kids spending they're hard earned cash on me" gee I'm sorry I went and died, don't waste your time mourning me because I forgot to get insurance.

Ad number 2: Women in a park having coffee, "Did you see Liz the other day?" "Yeah she has to sell up the house, its been really tough since Sean died. She didnt even have insurance!" "Oh no, well at least her misfortune pointed us in the right way and me and Tom bought our insurance the other day."
I think I might have actually improved their ads...

ShamWOW

CRINGE! Can't help but get excited about these shammies everytime I see this add, well it might due to the presenter. So many things that don't make sense to me like why the hell is the presenter wearing a headset! Common you're not in telecommunications!

The best line, "It's made by Germans so you know its good!" Such a bizarre thing to point out to people and now everytime people mention something about Germany I think of pretzels, beer and now ShamWOW.

And I'm pretty sure the comparison to the sponge is unnecisary, yeah we get that the sponge lasts 10 days and your product lasts 10 years, but that worries me since there's a reason we throw out sponges in 10 days.. THE GERMS! Imagine using the same towel everyday for 10 years... a tad wrong don't you think?

iSnack 2.0

I kind of see this whole Vegemite "scandal" as a big publicity thing, yeah sure the name they chose was terrible but I highly doubt people are as outraged by it as the newspapers make out. I personally couldn't care less about what name they choose to call their odd concoction, it just seems really odd that they'd choose a name that relates so obviously to a superior product, apple iPods.

And now because of the name they chose, everytime I go into a supermarket and see any Vegemite product I constantly think of how desperately I need a new iPod...